Equal, But Better

Strandvägen, Stockholm's poshest residential street

Something I've been pondering a lot lately is the weird juxtaposition in Sweden between equality and status. Sweden has perhaps the world's best social services, which ensure that everyone gets fair pay, ample vacation, amazing maternity (and paternity) benefits, free childcare, free education, free health care and free elder care—all factors that serve to level the socio-economic playing field. And there seems to be a national desire to belong, rather than a desire to compete. Unlike Americans, who always say they want to be "the best" at things, Swedes tend to express the desire to do the best they can. They even say that they're happy to fall in the middle of the spectrum, which is something that an American would never say.

One Swedish friend of mine went to university in the U.S. and told one of her professors that she would be happy to achieve average grades. She was being modest, of course, because she's very smart, but she was expressing herself in a Swedish way, without being boastful or overstating her abilities, so she was shocked when her professor reprimanded her and told she needed to aim higher.

I've encountered this Swedish-American communication difference a lot since I've been here, especially since I'm a very outspoken communicator even by American standards. We're taught in the U.S. that we should strive to be the best. That you should aim as high as possible, and then even if you don't reach your target, you'll still land somewhere pretty lofty. But Swedes are taught to be realistic. Aim for where you want to be, and if your aim is realistic, you'll get there—and by the way, you're probably average; most of us are.

The funny thing about the Swedish way is that even though they openly emphasize averageness, they are quietly obsessed with status. This is a very human thing, of course—all human cultures have important markers of status. But especially in Stockholm, there's definitively the right address, the right handbag, the right last name, the right way to hold your fork, the right outfit to get into the right nightclub, even the right way to accent vowels when you speak. The more "right" things you do, the higher your status becomes.

One very chic Swedish lady recently joked to me that her idea of heaven would be to wake up with the last name "Bonnier." And I said, "Um, why don't you just change your last name to Bonnier, then?" In the U.S. of course, you can change your name to anything you want. I could just go to the department of records and request that my name be changed to Megan Bonnier, and no one except Bonnier employees would bat an eye.

You can't change your name in Sweden because then anyone might potentially take a noble last name, and historically that would have been confusing and insulting to the monarchy. In the 18th or even 19th century, plopping "von" in front of your name would have landed you in jail (or worse), and it's still not legal today. In the U.S. if I changed my name to Megan von Miller, everyone would just think I was an ass.

And then it hit me—maybe all these little status things in Sweden are vestiges of living under a king and queen. In a monarchy, all the plebians can be as equal as the day is long, but the nobility is elevated to another, higher level. Now that the monarchy in Sweden serves mostly a symbolic function, all the symbolic markers of exclusivity can be shared by the public—as long as they have the money or the access. No one can deny that it feels great to be on the inside of the velvet rope. When the playing field is leveled, status becomes all the more appealing.